Talking heads

I’ve never liked the sound of my voice. I don’t think that’s particular to trans people, but voice dysphoria turns a “sort of dislike” into its own special kind of misery. And, of course, now that I’m unpacking the gender box (worst present ever btw), I have a job that requires me to speak on the phone for roughly half of my shift. I’ve tried speaking in a lower register but that requires so much focus that I forget what people are saying, and that’s just not going to work. 

I can’t ask not to be on phones, since that’s just an unfortunate part of the job description. I’m keeping my eyes open for job openings on other teams that don’t have phone interaction. I mean, I’ve been working customer service in some capacity or another for half of my life now. I wouldn’t mind not dealing with people at all. 

My voice is naturally high enough that there’s not much I can do to lower it without either taking hormones or getting a vocal coach (is that what you call it?). I have a feeling that I’d probably end up needing both. I’ve often wondered why guys who transition younger (like early 20s or younger) tend to have such deeper voices than guys who transition over 30. Now that I think about it some more, I wonder if it’s that people are over 30 are more fixed in using their voices in a particular way, not that their vocal cords don’t lengthen out. I have no proof of this, of course. 

Advertisements

Feeling like a fraud; or, Am I really trans?

I’ve noticed that in the days leading up to (and during) shark week, I get overwhelmed by self-doubt and fear. And rather than find a way to combat these feelings, I wallow in them. I read negative articles about trans people, or transphobic blogs written by TERFs (you know the one). This month it was articles and blogs by other trans people about so-called “transtrenders”. I read enough to start to wonder, “Is that me?”  Read More

Gut check

I meant to update sooner but a combination of laziness and life got in the way. In any case, my therapist really pushed me to think about making a decision soon, mostly because my indecision is making me anxious and depressed. We did what she called a “gut check” exercise. She pulled out a quarter and said, “Heads you transition; tails you don’t.” She flipped it and it came up heads. She asked me how I felt and I was a little surprised to feel a mixture of relief and happiness. So that’s what my gut is telling me right now. We also set a fake “decision deadline” so that I can actively start taking control of my journey.  Read More

Bound and down

I bought a binder recently. I’d been wanting one for almost a year but just hadn’t done it, for reasons I can’t really explain. I had a wedding to attend, and I wanted to wear a dress shirt and a tie. In my mind, I’d look so much better with a flat chest. I’d pissed around for so long that if I purchased the one I really wanted online (gc2b), it wouldn’t arrive on time.  Read More

What’s in a name?

Since I started this little gender journey, I’ve started thinking a lot about my name. My name is Sam, and all of my family and friends have always called me Sam rather than Samantha. In fact, my dad used to talk to my mom’s belly when she was pregnant with me and called me Sam. Apparently I was going to be Sam whether I was a boy or a girl. All of this leads me to think I’m going to keep my name. I like my name, and I’m kind of attached to it. I’d definitely love to hear from other trans folk that kept their original name, and how they feel about it post-transition. Read More

Two roads diverged

My therapist wants me to write an exercise for next week – I have to write something from the perspective of future me who did transition, and another from future me who didn’t. I was actually supposed to write it for my last appointment, but due to some personal stuff going on and an insane schedule, she gave me an extension. I’m not sure why I’m still putting it off. I like to write, and I like to think I’m pretty good at it. That might actually be what’s holding me back. My therapist doesn’t care what I write or how good it is, she just cares that I do it. I think I’m going to write from the transitioned future me first, mostly because I think it will be more interesting. Once I actually do my homework I’ll post it here – maybe it’ll help someone. You never know, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯