Misery’s so addictive

Life has been pretty awful lately – our dog is sick but we’re struggling financially. We had originally intended to do at home euthanasia but with the cremation and everything, it’ll be close to $600. We just can’t afford that right now and I feel so incredibly guilty. I’ve loved this dog for over ten years and I just want to do right by her. The thought of taking her to the vet to be put to sleep is overwhelming. The vet is her least favorite place in the world…she’s always so scared when we have to go. I can’t imagine her last moments filled with so much fear and anxiety. Maybe I should just suck it up and go into more debt. She deserves better.

K says she doesn’t want to stay together. She’s unhappy but won’t tell me why. She says it’s not because of my gender identity, but if it’s not that, then what? This has been such a shitty year for both of us, in so many ways…I just don’t understand what is so terrible in our relationship that it’s worth giving up on. She’s agreed to a therapy session with both of our therapists. I’m not sure if that means that she’s willing to try and make things better of it’s just to confirm things. 

Depression has definitely got its claws in me the last few days. I got home from work last night and pretty much went straight to bed. Didn’t even eat dinner. I called out of work this morning and slept until noon. I just didn’t want any part of the world. I’m wavering between overwhelming anger and sadness, and a dull emptiness…a sort of self-protective detachment. 

I’ve noticed my number of followers hasn’t changed in a while, and I haven’t had any recent comments either. I suppose this is because I’m all doom and gloom. Sorry, not sorry. 

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Home, but not at home 

K (my wife) and I are visiting our families this weekend while we’re in the area to see Tegan and Sara. It’s good to see my parents and relax for a bit out of the city. I love being a city dweller, but it does get overwhelming at times. It’s always nice to slow down for a minute and enjoy the quiet. 

That said, it is weird to hang out with family because I’m still not out to them. I haven’t worn my binder since we got here, which makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. Knowing my family they might not even notice, but if they did I wouldn’t want to deal with the questions. So I feel cowardly, like I’m continuing to hide important parts of myself out of fear and shame. Not to mention that the political climate here (there are Trump signs planted firmly in many yards around here) makes me feel anxious and unsafe. I knew I’d never want to live here again, but this cements it. 

In other news, an old grade school friend of mine works for a neurosurgeon in the area. She took my MRI images and reports to him and he was vehemently against me having a fusion. He said that based on what he sees in my scans, a fusion would be disastrous – it’s clear that I’m predisposed to disc issues, and a fusion would just exacerbate the process. I’d probably be totally disabled within a few years. He also said there’s no reason I can’t have another microdiscectomy – if my doctor won’t do it, that’s his prerogative, but there’s no medical reason why it couldn’t be done. He said he prefers waiting at least 6 months post surgery before doing another surgery, but he’s going to give me some names of some surgeons in Chicago. I guess if that doesn’t pan out, I’ll come down here to see him. It’s a weird combo of emotions. I’ll be glad to get back to my regular routine. 

Tomorrow we drive home, but tonight – Tegan and Sara. I’m stoked. 

Currently reading: Trans Canada My Way, from the very beginning. What an amazing blog – I identify with so much of it so far.