Misery’s so addictive

Life has been pretty awful lately – our dog is sick but we’re struggling financially. We had originally intended to do at home euthanasia but with the cremation and everything, it’ll be close to $600. We just can’t afford that right now and I feel so incredibly guilty. I’ve loved this dog for over ten years and I just want to do right by her. The thought of taking her to the vet to be put to sleep is overwhelming. The vet is her least favorite place in the world…she’s always so scared when we have to go. I can’t imagine her last moments filled with so much fear and anxiety. Maybe I should just suck it up and go into more debt. She deserves better.

K says she doesn’t want to stay together. She’s unhappy but won’t tell me why. She says it’s not because of my gender identity, but if it’s not that, then what? This has been such a shitty year for both of us, in so many ways…I just don’t understand what is so terrible in our relationship that it’s worth giving up on. She’s agreed to a therapy session with both of our therapists. I’m not sure if that means that she’s willing to try and make things better of it’s just to confirm things. 

Depression has definitely got its claws in me the last few days. I got home from work last night and pretty much went straight to bed. Didn’t even eat dinner. I called out of work this morning and slept until noon. I just didn’t want any part of the world. I’m wavering between overwhelming anger and sadness, and a dull emptiness…a sort of self-protective detachment. 

I’ve noticed my number of followers hasn’t changed in a while, and I haven’t had any recent comments either. I suppose this is because I’m all doom and gloom. Sorry, not sorry.