Home, but not at home 

K (my wife) and I are visiting our families this weekend while we’re in the area to see Tegan and Sara. It’s good to see my parents and relax for a bit out of the city. I love being a city dweller, but it does get overwhelming at times. It’s always nice to slow down for a minute and enjoy the quiet. 

That said, it is weird to hang out with family because I’m still not out to them. I haven’t worn my binder since we got here, which makes me feel weird and uncomfortable. Knowing my family they might not even notice, but if they did I wouldn’t want to deal with the questions. So I feel cowardly, like I’m continuing to hide important parts of myself out of fear and shame. Not to mention that the political climate here (there are Trump signs planted firmly in many yards around here) makes me feel anxious and unsafe. I knew I’d never want to live here again, but this cements it. 

In other news, an old grade school friend of mine works for a neurosurgeon in the area. She took my MRI images and reports to him and he was vehemently against me having a fusion. He said that based on what he sees in my scans, a fusion would be disastrous – it’s clear that I’m predisposed to disc issues, and a fusion would just exacerbate the process. I’d probably be totally disabled within a few years. He also said there’s no reason I can’t have another microdiscectomy – if my doctor won’t do it, that’s his prerogative, but there’s no medical reason why it couldn’t be done. He said he prefers waiting at least 6 months post surgery before doing another surgery, but he’s going to give me some names of some surgeons in Chicago. I guess if that doesn’t pan out, I’ll come down here to see him. It’s a weird combo of emotions. I’ll be glad to get back to my regular routine. 

Tomorrow we drive home, but tonight – Tegan and Sara. I’m stoked. 

Currently reading: Trans Canada My Way, from the very beginning. What an amazing blog – I identify with so much of it so far. 


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