I went to a wedding this past weekend. It was my first formal event since realizing that I just might be trans. I bought a binder and a new outfit (men’s dress pants, a dress shirt and a new tie). My wife was supportive, and despite the fact that the wedding was in southern Illinois, I wasn’t too worried about getting harassed. As I’d hoped and dreaded, no one really noticed. I spent most of the time feeling awkward and unhappy with my body. I certainly was never perceived as a guy, much to my chagrin. It sort of cemented the fact that no matter how flat my chest is, I still have a feminine face and hips and a butt that give me away every time.
We spent the rest of the trip with my family. My parents are older (by which I mean their late 70s) and my mom was in and out of the hospital. She’s okay now and finally at home. It was great to see them, but I’m also filled with dread and a bit of hopelessness. I’m just not sure how to tell them I’m trans (if I even am, more on that in another post). It was tough for them to accept that I’m queer – it took a lot of time and patience to get where we are today. I just can’t imagine springing this on them too. I don’t even know how they’d wrap their minds around it.
We’re going back to Chicago tomorrow. I’m looking forward to being back in the city and feeling at home again. But it was sort of nice to push the pause button on my thoughts of gender and where I fit in this very big, very confusing spectrum.