Gut check

I meant to update sooner but a combination of laziness and life got in the way. In any case, my therapist really pushed me to think about making a decision soon, mostly because my indecision is making me anxious and depressed. We did what she called a “gut check” exercise. She pulled out a quarter and said, “Heads you transition; tails you don’t.” She flipped it and it came up heads. She asked me how I felt and I was a little surprised to feel a mixture of relief and happiness. So that’s what my gut is telling me right now. We also set a fake “decision deadline” so that I can actively start taking control of my journey.  Read More


Hello, future me

I did the exercise my therapist asked me to do. I wrote a letter to myself, a me five years from now. I wrote from the point of view of a me who transitioned. I wrote what I thought would happen with my marriage, my family, my friends…and I was surprised that it was mostly positive. It was also somewhat realistic. I was okay with the result. It felt honest.  Read More

Bound and down

I bought a binder recently. I’d been wanting one for almost a year but just hadn’t done it, for reasons I can’t really explain. I had a wedding to attend, and I wanted to wear a dress shirt and a tie. In my mind, I’d look so much better with a flat chest. I’d pissed around for so long that if I purchased the one I really wanted online (gc2b), it wouldn’t arrive on time.  Read More

What’s in a name?

Since I started this little gender journey, I’ve started thinking a lot about my name. My name is Sam, and all of my family and friends have always called me Sam rather than Samantha. In fact, my dad used to talk to my mom’s belly when she was pregnant with me and called me Sam. Apparently I was going to be Sam whether I was a boy or a girl. All of this leads me to think I’m going to keep my name. I like my name, and I’m kind of attached to it. I’d definitely love to hear from other trans folk that kept their original name, and how they feel about it post-transition. Read More

Two roads diverged

My therapist wants me to write an exercise for next week – I have to write something from the perspective of future me who did transition, and another from future me who didn’t. I was actually supposed to write it for my last appointment, but due to some personal stuff going on and an insane schedule, she gave me an extension. I’m not sure why I’m still putting it off. I like to write, and I like to think I’m pretty good at it. That might actually be what’s holding me back. My therapist doesn’t care what I write or how good it is, she just cares that I do it. I think I’m going to write from the transitioned future me first, mostly because I think it will be more interesting. Once I actually do my homework I’ll post it here – maybe it’ll help someone. You never know, right? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Dressing the part

I went to a wedding this past weekend. It was my first formal event since realizing that I just might be trans. I bought a binder and a new outfit (men’s dress pants, a dress shirt and a new tie). My wife was supportive, and despite the fact that the wedding was in southern Illinois, I wasn’t too worried about getting harassed. As I’d hoped and dreaded, no one really noticed. I spent most of the time feeling awkward and unhappy with my body. I certainly was never perceived as a guy, much to my chagrin. It sort of cemented the fact that no matter how flat my chest is, I still have a feminine face and hips and a butt that give me away every time. Read More